The idea for this poem came about after a good friend of mine told me that his brother was trying to diet, but was using all the short cuts he could find: diet pills, shakes, fat burning teas etc. etc. So, I decided to write something about someone who went to the extreme.

There is no point in hiding it, it’s so hard to disguise,

what should be in the middle, is now spreading round the sides.

I rest my food upon it, as I sit and watch the telly.

It never used to be this big: my bulging, rounded belly!

I’ve yoga’d, I’ve Slim Fasted, Pilated and Weight-Watched.

I tried a herbal remedy, from a carbon neutral box.

Liposuction is expensive, but will make my stomach flat.

D.I.Y is cheaper, so I’ll have a bash at that!

A sharp knife and small hoover, are all the tools I need,

to help me shed this payload, this trophy of my greed.

I’ve bought myself an apron, clean and white and stiff.

I’ve disinfected my whole kitchen, with iodine and Jif!

The hoover’s up to maximum, my kitchen knife is ready,

to make the first incision, I just need to hold it steady.

I’ve iodined my midriff, made a small cut in my skin.

Then fainted at the sight of blood, and head-butted the bin.

So here I lie in hospital, my skull and jaw both cracked.

With frozen peas upon my face, because both my eyes are blacked!

They’ve wired up my skull and jaw, so tight that I can’t speak.

Who needs a bloody diet! I lost seven pounds last week!